Fake News: Dead Red

The content of this article is satirical and represents a work of fiction or Fake News. The names of the characters within are fictitious.

LYNCH: Welcome all gun-toters and Trump voters! You are now tuned in to the Dead Red podcast with Tony Lynch and Kirk Mullen, where the right comes to breathe and the left comes to seethe! How are you feeling this afternoon, Kirk?

MULLEN: I’ll admit that I’m frustrated as usual, Tony. The woke supremacist, social justice warrior, critical race theorist, socialist, crybaby Left is once again trying to tug at the public’s heartstrings to get them to abandon all common sense. As if it wasn’t enough that the President won’t shut up about gun control after the Milwaukee shooting, now he’s visiting the families of the so-called victims. It’s just tasteless! Shameless virtue signaling and nothing more.

LYNCH: Tasteless, shameless…when it comes to them, what else is new? Let’s play a clip from the President’s speech last night.

There is absolutely no justification for remaining inactive in the wake of such a tragedy.
Eight lives were cut short by a weapon that has no business being in an American
home, and that certainly has no business being used on innocent Americans.
–The President

MULLEN: Just listen to him! Listen to him tell the country that we don’t have any business using our own constitutional rights. What, eight people get shot, so three hundred million should be left with nothing to defend their homes? It’s like the guy can’t do basic math!

LYNCH: It’s disgusting is what it is. And like you just mentioned, what’s even more disgusting is the way he’s trying to trick Americans into thinking that he actually gives a damn about any of this. I mean, visiting the families? Promoting charities? Does he really think we can’t see through that act? This is worse than when he refused to denounce those Black Lives Matter gangsters last month for protesting what the Philadelphia police did to that kid. What was it? What was his name? LaSean? LaVon?

MULLEN: La-Dead-and-Gone is more like it, and good riddance too! What the hell was he thinking walking into a drugstore during school hours?

LYNCH: I’ll bet he had a different kind of drugs on his mind.

MULLEN: I’ll bet he had a different kind of drugs in his system too. You just know the libs did something to clean up the toxicology report.

LYNCH: Of course they did! They wouldn’t know justice if it shot them between the eyes with a Bushmaster.

MULLEN: And if they got their way, no one would even have a Bushmaster to shoot them with! Isn’t that a shame?

LYNCH: It’s as if we aren’t all living in the same country. In the America that I know, there’s no reason for there to be any legal impediment to me owning an AR-15 and doing with it whatever I please. It’s a free country for Christ’s sake. I’ll shoot what I want, who I want, when I want, and I might just start with some of those damn protestors.

MULLEN: Honestly. I mean, where do they get off? None of them even knew the guy, but they’re throwing bricks through windows, setting things on fire, and doing all kinds of nonsense to disturb the peace. Would you do that for someone you’d never met before?

LYNCH: This just all goes to show that no matter how much they try to get you to believe it, the Left is not concerned with anyone’s wellbeing. They aren’t fighting for the common good, and most of them probably don’t even know what the common good is.

MULLEN: Amen! We’ll be right back after this message from Attitude Armament, the number-one source for explosives, weapons and ammo since 1983. Kill or be killed!

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