The content of this article is satirical and represents a work of fiction or Fake News. The names of the characters within are fictitious.
Social media influencer Mack Wade, who boasts over one hundred million followers across his Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, and TikTok accounts, claimed victory on Tuesday in his shocking bid for California’s 34th congressional district, notably defeating Democratic incumbent Sal Fuentes. Wade is the first-ever third-party candidate to represent the district, having been elected on his own Cash Money Party’s ticket.
Wade took to Instagram Live to celebrate his victory. “I want to thank each and every one of my fans who live in California, are at least eighteen years old, and who voted for me on Election Day,” said Wade. “As your leader, I will work all day and all night until 7:30, since 7:30 onward are prime content uploading hours, to promote and uphold the principles that I founded the Cash Money Party on, which are basically just my beliefs in the power of getting paid and getting laid. That’s the only reason politicians run for office anyway.”
Wade’s win comes as a surprise following several controversial moves made throughout his campaign. He first came under scrutiny for instructing his entourage to fire money shooters, or “cash cannons,” loaded with hundred dollar bills into the crowd at multiple campaign rallies, and for going on to disparage those criticizing the practice as “broke.”
“Honestly, I understand why they hate me,” Wade told CNN. “I’m young, I’m pretty, I’m loaded, and I’m probably going to win this election. Really, I’d hate me too. But the people trashing me in the media are failing to recognize that I don’t really represent anything that the politicians they prefer to support don’t already. The so-called serious politicians that wear suits and, I don’t know, went to college, worship money the same way I do, and don’t care what they have to do and who they have to hurt to get more of it. That being said, make sure to vote, and then make sure to go grab my Mack Pack subscription box while supplies last!”
Following his defeat, former Rep. Fuentes expressed concern for the state of politics. “This kind of thing just isn’t supposed to happen,” he told reporters. “I really don’t mean to sound arrogant, but shouldn’t we all be a bit concerned that someone with my experience and credentials can lose an election to a twenty-five-year-old who refers to his fanbase as the ‘Masturwaders?’ Did you know that after the race was called he messaged ‘come get with a winner’ to my wife’s Twitter? Aren’t there any rules anymore?”
“She cute or whatever,” said Wade of Fuentes’ wife, Maya Fuentes, “but she’s really just a backup. I have some of my Twitch subscribers working on doxing his mom so I can send her flowers or something. Not really, though, since that would be illegal. They’re definitely working on it, but I’m, like, kidding. Hit me up, Anita!”
Wade’s supporters tend to be drawn to his audacity. “He just does it, you know?” said eighteen-year-old voter Colton Fisher. “That’s what America needs more of! Guys who just come out and say it. It’s like in his last YouTube video, right? He said we need to start another war or invade someone so we can steal their natural resources. Like, I don’t know if he’s the first person to have that idea, but he’s definitely the first one with the balls to just say it. I really love that guy.”
When he asked what’s next for him, Wade replied automatically. “Two words: White. House. I’m coming for it all, man. They’ll be calling that place the Wade House when I’m done with it. I’m talking chicks, parties, chicks, concerts, Anita Fuentes, you name it. And Obama was brewing beer in there, so I’m thinking about getting an alcoholic seltzer going. At first, I was thinking of calling it ‘Mack Attack,’ but I’ve since repurposed that for an idea I had about what we could be doing in Syria.”